Amusing Anecdotes

•It’s hard not to meet expenses.  They’re everywhere.

•A chaplain was nervous about his first funeral service, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him.  All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body.  “Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier?” the chaplain said, cringing inwardly when he heard his own words.  Later, he overheard two cemetery workers talking.  “I didn’t get any beer,” one said.  “Did you?”  “You heard the chaplain,” the other replied.  “It was just for the family.”

•Two dumb fisherman decided to rent a boat on a lake.  After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits.  Suddenly fish started biting and they caught their limit inside 20 minutes.  “Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we’ll know where to fish,” the first man told his buddy.  “Good idea,” the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.  “Why’d you do that?” his friend asked.  “Now anyone who wants to rent this boat will know where to fish.”

•”I remember my wedding day very distinctly,” the elderly gentleman said.  “I carried my new bride across the threshold of our little house and said, ‘Honey, this is your and my little world.’”  “And I suppose you’ve lived happily ever after?” a friend asked.  “We’ve been fighting for the world’s championship ever since.”

•A photographer was hired to take photos at a lawyers’ convention.  When he lined up his subjects, he got them to look their best by shouting, “Okay, everyone say, ‘Fees!’”

•After finishing his examination, the doctor looked at his patient and said, “I can’t find the exact cause of your trouble, but it’s probably due to drinking too much.”  The patient replied, “Gee, I’m sorry to hear that, Doc.  I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

•A computer does save time at work.  I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards!

•Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.  One took a bottle from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.”  “Thanks,” the second man said and took a long drink from the container.  “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey.  “Well, I’d rather not,” the first man said.  “At least not until after the police have been here.”

•Told to treat his military housing as he would if he owned it, the Navy chief quickly mounted a sign in the front yard: “For Sale.”

•The judge said to the defendant, “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.”  “Your Honor,” the defendant said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they just wouldn’t listen!”

•An old woman called a furnace repairman, who put oil in the motor and charged her $80 for labor.  “But it only took you five minutes!” she exclaimed.  The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.  “Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady replied, handing him a rake.

•The Democratic Party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic convention.  Those are the two things they announced.  Yeah, which begs the question: Where are they gonna find 80,000 Americans who don’t eat fried food?  It’s not gonna happen!  -Conan O’Brien

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